You know that I am a cancer survivor and like every one of those thousands and thousands of survivors, I too went through a bout of severe depression.
At that time I didn’t realize it was depression. I was angry, skeptical, rude, dictating, defying, and so on, which are all not my normal characteristic traits. I thought that I was talking like an intelligent, well informed, learned lady from the upper strata and questioned my doctors, nurses and other health care providers, and even challenged their actions.
All of them were defensive of their statements, actions and put on an expression, ‘oh..we know, you are a patient and behaving as unreasonably as a patient would.’ The smirk in the face, and the all knowing attitude annoyed me, and I started shutting them out.
It was at that time, Amol Pradhan, an anesthesiologist who had the misfortune of putting me off to sleep on the Operation table four times within a short span of 40days, helped me come out of my anger.
He said that treating cancer is like shooting an arrow at the darkness hoping that it reaches the target. Since it is dark, we have to shoot many many arrows that would destroy other things as well.
This wisdom, this simplicity, this humble admission of trial and error, restored my faith in the attempts of the doctors.
Isn’t it very ironical, that an anesthesiologist , who is not seen, heard or spoken to by a patient, is the one who helped me become my normal self?
He went to the extent of asking me what are my favorite songs and playing it in the operation theatre before i could fall asleep. He has held my hand several times.
So, now nearly after 150 days since my treatment began, here i am, writing a blog, and what better title than the words of Amol.
‘An Arrow at the darkness’
( P.S.) You may wonder why it is an arrow ‘at’ the dark, and not ‘into’ the dark!.
Simple.. That preposition was not available, so i took the liberty to use ‘at’ and moreover i didn’t want any other title.